CTA Tattler

Of Lincoln, German and Tibetan monks

When you really want to see the CTA crazies, you have to ride the Red Line after 9 p.m. or so.

It was about 9:45 p.m. I sat behind three rather prim, well-scrubbed college-age woman. One was taking about her upcoming trip abroad. "And I went to Dick's -- isn't that what's it's called? Dick's Sporting Goods? And I bought one of those, like, sleeper thingies that you wear so that you don't have to, like, lie on the sheets in a foreign country. And one of those towels that dries real fast, so they get all, like, moldy."

Just then, an enormous man boards at Fullerton. This guy was about 6 foot 7 inches, and about 280 pounds, with a full head of bushy brown hair. He sat next to a 60-ish woman wearing an orange felt coat. (An Illini fan, perhaps?) Suddenly he turned to the woman and asked: "Konnen Sie Deutschen sprechen?"

The woman politely replied: "I took German in high school."

Mr. Big said, "Let me try something simple on you to see how much you remember: Eins, zwei, drei. Can you guess how old I am?"

She said, "Oh about 40."

Mr. Big loudly proclaimed, "I am 49 years old, believe it or not. Abraham Lincoln said, 'The face you have at 40 is the face you deserve.' I guess I got the face I deserve."

Then he turned around to a very young red-haired man and said, "I have a really good joke for you. It only takes 30 seconds." All I heard of the joke was something about a Tibetan monk and somebody getting a blowjob from a 93-year-old woman.

Then the conductor announced we would be running express to Berwyn.

When Mr. Big got off at Sheridan, he boomed: "This train will run express to Berwyn. Merry Christmas everybody." And left.

The three prim women looked at each other in astonishment. "What was THAT all about?!? Why did he start talking to you?"

A woman sitting nearby piped up, "He just wanted to use the word 'blowjob' on a crowded train."

The three young ladies tittered, and got off at Loyola.