CTA Tattler

This is a similar method to what I use. However, I'm neither elderly or disabled; I'm just a son-of-a-bitch.

I can't take how mindless, self-involved, and just flat-out inconsiderate everyone is on the train or bus. I will say, though, most of my worst experiences are on the train home. It is also worth note that when it is busy and most crowded with the 'me-first' group comes around rush hour. You'll find this group of people doesn't use public transit because it's their only option; a good percentage of this group uses it to/from work only and would never dream of taking the train or bus to go anywhere for leisure.

Anyway, unlike New York, Chicago trains have a lot of seating that either faces forward or backward, instead of along the aisle. Our biggest problem is the person who never scoots inward. That's okay, I'm not afraid to ask or get in there. The highlight of this moment though is when you have to get up from the inner seat, and the person next to you doesn't want to move out of their seat to allow you to get up, instead, they move only their legs!

This is where having a messenger bag or backpack comes in REAL handy. While Mr. or Miss I Refuse to Move sits there legs to the side, my bag handily whacks them in the face as I try my best to slide by. One woman, completely pissed that I did this, seemed to realize that I was already mad in the first place. I saw the look on her face when I turned around, got close to her and just said "MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU'LL ACTUALLY MOVE. YOU KNOW, IT DOESN'T ACTUALLY KILL YOU, CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF."

She wouldn't even look at me.

Anyway, the other great highlight of a rush hour commute is the inability of everyone to move toward the center and not crowd the doors. On one special occasion, I saw an elderly woman trapped between the door and some tall men with her face against the glass. It was sad and pitiful that no one would even give her room. I ended up yelling at the whole train because I couldn't even believe it. She eventually got out and took a seat.

I'll tell you what, though, I have absolutely no reservations becoming the asshole in order to shape up the socially-retarded public transit riders. I refuse to let people go around thinking they can act like that. It's all bred from the same reality-tv, self-interest, me-first bullshit that's come of our culture and I will absolutely not subscribe.

You are fantastic, Deborah! I despise those men who spread their legs. Is their junk so big that they can't close their legs? Do they think that we women want an easy glimpse of their crotch?

When I first moved to the city, I was very timid about asking people to move their stuff. But I have no patience for people anymore. I've heard the excuse, "Oh, I didn't realize the train was so full!" from people who have their stuff next to them. How could someone not notice? I'm assuming these people have been robbed quite often if they're that unaware of their surroundings.

The worst example of people being rude was maybe a year or so back. A 30-ish white, blonde woman, clearly a fashionista beeyotch, clomped her way onto the Red Line during a morning rush hour in her huge heels. She had two medium-sized shopping bags in her hands along with her purse. She sat down by a window and put her bags next to her, even though they weren't all that large and could have easily gone onto the floor and into her lap.

An older man, maybe about 60, got on at Addison and walked up to this young lady, since this was the only seat available, and asked her politely to move her bags so that he could sit. She responded that she didn't have room, so, no, she wouldn't move them. He said, "I've paid my money just like you and I'd like to sit down."

She just stared at him for a second and then huffed and puffed as she moved her stuff into her lap. She made a huge production out of it and even slammed her huge heels up and down on the floor so that she made as huge a noise as possible. The man sat down when she finally cleared her stuff from the seat. She breathed heavily and kept making comments under her breath about how rude this man was, but the man just sat there, ignoring her.

A few minutes later, when we reached Belmont, she yelled, "EXCUSE ME! I HAVE TO GET OFF!" to the man and he politely stood up to let her out. She made sure to huff and puff some more and clomp her feet loudly so that we could all see how inconvenienced she had been.

The man just rolled his eyes and we all laughed about it once she was off the train.

One of my favorite tricks: If I'm in the aisle seat and Mr. or Ms. I Need All The Space I Can Possibly Get is in the window seat and they get out before me, I'm not going to make it easy. Just yesterday I slowed down one of these jerks to the point where he almost missed his stop.

@michael -- I didn't realize it's considered rude if you don't stand up to let inside-seaters out. People rarely stand up for me, and being comparatively new to mass transit (I moved here from the 'burbs last year) I've taken my cues from other riders (and this blog). It doesn't seem to make much sense in the rush hour crush -- when I have stood to let someone large or carrying something large out, the aisle standees give me dirty looks for aggravating the their situation -- for now they must twice defy the laws of physics, to make room for me AND the person exiting. So I choose to err on the side of pissing off one person instead of several. If you ever sit down next to me at rush hour, I hope you understand. If you do that messenger bag thing, though, I'll throw it back at you.

This is the part where I admit to being a bit of a bastard, but only after discovering that people are jerks, especially if you're a female of diminutive size and stature. On at least one occasion, an large man wearing a fluffy coat sat, oh, not so much next to me as on me, leaving my nose practically pressed up against the window like a five-year-old's. It was like HE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE I WAS THERE. Too green to assert myself, I endured the suffocation for the better part of a 35-minute ride. On another occasion a girl sat down next to me on a half-empty train and proceeded to use my left leg as a desk while she dug out various textbooks and papers. And just the other day the guy standing next to me on the bus seemed to think I was his personal luggage rack. He had one of those overstuffed computer bags -- big, fat and heavy -- and he was either trying to attack me with it or get me to carry it for him. For some reason he couldn't be bothered to put it on the floor between his feet, like the rest of us do when traveling with large bags.

Which brings me to my last gripe as a petite woman and to the original post -- men. I've noticed that when one man sits next to another, he makes an effort not to touch the first guy. I speculate it has something to do with homophobia, or the fear of triggering another man's homophobia. But when most men sit next to women (and other women confirm this suspicion), all bets are off. The legs spread (you know, to accomodate their 12-inch-wide scrotum), the elbows come out, and once again, from their behavior you'd never guess there was somebody in the seat next to them.

That's my rant. I should probably get back to work now, and brace for this evening's rush.

"The legs spread (you know, to accomodate their 12-inch-wide scrotum), the elbows come out, and once again, from their behavior you'd never guess there was somebody in the seat next to them."

Thank you!!! That's fantastic, by the way. :-)

today at rush hour on the usually VERY nice and respectable #147 bus down Lake Shore Drive, a woman was sitting in the seat eating chicken and had some very strong sweet smelling barbeque sauce. She had her chicken bones and food paper in the seat next to her. I sat down in the seat behind to see what would unfold. 5 people passed by this seat and no one confronted the chicken eater. A few times the chicken eating woman fell asleep as if he had narcolepsy and i was sure her meal was going to go all over the seat. Well a lady in a white top and lite blue silk skirt asked to sit down, she was about to sit down on some good and i said "Wait" I haded her a slightly used paper towel but she was grateful to have even that to wipe the seat. Well a few stops later, the chicken lady got up, with her sauced-bag and bones, and greasy fingers proceeded to put her greasy hand on the back of the seat so she could brace herself to get up. The lady with the nice outfit then proceeded to wipe the front, back, side, top and all around because the chicken eater didn't look like she had too clean clothes on. The lady thanked me for handing her a paper towel to wipe all surfaces. Now I think Im going to carry some wet wipes so that I can wipe down the seats. Now I was thinking aha this is what they experience on the Red Line all the time. But this is the first time on the usually respectable #147 express down Lake Shore Drive to see this happening.

I can't tell you how liberating it is to finally see this in print: The guys that sit with their knees pushed into your leg because of their SUPER LARGE SCROTUMS! I don't believe it! Sometimes I'll push back or churn around a little bit and smile and say "excuse me", just trying to give them the hint to pull their legs together AND 99% OF THEM WON'T! Why? I don't understand it! I am this close to losing my mind over this because it's sort of disgusting - I want to say "From the looks of it your balls aren't that big honey - pull your legs together!" Please, can we post signs up where they put the ads? We could have a contest - here are my entries:

Please be polite
And sit upright
'Cause it is oh so rude
To spread your knees wide, dude!

or

If your Johnson is chilly,
Pull your knees in, Silly!

or how 'bout:

There are ladies on this train,
And straight dudes too,
They don't wanna feel your knees,
So keep your legs together, foo'!

I look forward to seeing your rhymes.Xtina

@Kimberli and Xtina -- Thank you! It means a lot to know this isn't all in my head. I'm not real talented in the rhyming department, but here is my labor of love:

My leg is not part of your seat.
Must you sprawl so to fit all your meat?
If your balls are so swollen
That you cannot hold'em
Get treatment -- and be more discreet.

Or, more concisely: Don't be Jack; suck in your sack! (works for backpackers, too)

"An older man, maybe about 60"

do you know what colour or race this person was? we really need to know in order to understand the story ...

"It doesn't seem to make much sense in the rush hour crush -- when I have stood to let someone large or carrying something large out, the aisle standees give me dirty looks for aggravating the their situation -- for now they must twice defy the laws of physics, to make room for me AND the person exiting."

Thank you, Trish, for posting this. I didn't realize how rude it is to do the butt-pivot either considering that I would inconvenience A LOT more people by standing up!

"do you know what colour or race this person was? we really need to know in order to understand the story ..."

You do? Why does it matter? He's a person who was treated rudely whether he was black or white or Asian.